Porn I'd Like to See

One of Catharine MacKinnon’s favourite factoids, when she was advocating the passage of anti-pornography legislation in Minnesota, was that women simply don’t buy porn.

Now I’ve often thought about that and wondered why. I mean, I’m a woman. She’s right about me, I’ve never thought porn a worthwhile expenditure. Even if the stuff would prove arousing, why spend good money sexually frustrating myself ?

But it’s a fact that keeps haunting me. At last the answer came to me: there is no porn really made for women.

Rule number one of capitalism: meet the customer where they live.

For young golddiggers—or chickiedoodles, as my mum calls them:

Harv

a collection of sensual shots of wealthy, overweight, balding men. Generally posed by their car, pool or sitting in their own money.

A great golddigging aid, assisting young women everywhere in sexualizing these objects and obstacles of desire.

The mag is affectionately named after the Miramax founder, Harvey Weinstein, a physical cross between Jabba the Hut and Mr. Potato Head.

Pantry

I’ve always believed that food is straight women’s porn. What’s could be naughtier today than binging on processed snacks? What else makes you a bad bad girl. What else do you want to do when no one is looking? What else do you fantasize about doing with everyone watching you?

Pantry features close up shots of snacks, open Doritos bags and close-up cake shots.

Special secret binge fetish shots showing women sneaking food from the fridge with a house full of people. Each month, the centrefold shows one woman “getting caught” with her favourite snack.

Ultimate Fantasy

But the surest guide to arousal, the ultimate in fantasy would have to be hundreds of glossy pages filled with women on the verge of their ultimate life orgasm: splayed across the pages in white wedding gowns.

Oops, that one’s already taken.