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So, You’re Getting Divorced?

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I’m so sorry. Congratulations. It likely doesn’t feel like congratulations time if you’ve only just discovered your marriage is not going to work. But at some point, however far in the future it may be, it will. This might be hard to believe, but it’s true. This is just one of the things I’ve learned going through my own divorce. Here are some other things I learned or wish I’d known at the start.

1. Welcome to Divorce Club. It’s a little like getting a motorcycle. You’re going to find out there’s a little wave and an understanding people flash at each other. We find each other via uncanny emotional cruising we might not realize we’re doing. You’re entering or have been through the shit. We know. We’re there too. People who haven’t been there have no idea. Those civilians probably aren’t going to be very cathartic to talk with.

2. You will need a new emergency contact for your doctor’s office. This will hurt.

3. There is no reason the person you’re divorcing is going to make more sense to you or behave in a way you think makes more sense during divorce than they did during the marriage. If they did, you wouldn’t be getting divorced.

4. Holding onto anger and resentment about your spouse’s behavior is only going to make you, your friends and definitely your kids miserable. Of course, it’s a good idea to feel however you do feel about things. Be as angry as you need to be when you feel angry. But nurturing anger long term is just going to make the divorce process harder. You have practical shit to deal with now.

5. You are going to be a teenager for a little while. This part can be fun, especially if you’ve never been one before.

7. You get a sex life! Only have sex with people who are unavailable for a relationship for a good while.

8. Make a friend under the age of 25 who can talk sense to you about texting and social media as they relate to online dating, pick ups and their aftermath. If you haven’t dated in a while this shit might be new to you. If it’s been a really long time, learn how to have safe sex.

8. Have some friends you can fall apart with. Divorce Club members are good candidates. Unless someone has been through hell, they won’t be very good at being with you while you’re in it. Walk away from advice givers (this included if it bothers you).

9. Divorce is like a death. It’s the end of your idea or dream of a future you made decisions and compromises for. And like any death grieving isn’t linear. Be very gentle with yourself. A friend told me “when someone dies you get a year.” Your life relationship died. You deserve to be forgiven for whatever weird stuff you may do this year. See number 4.

10. You thought planning your wedding was time-consuming and expensive?

11. If you can avoid hiring divorce lawyers, do it. It’s a cliche because it’s true: the lawyers will do better than either of you will financially in the split. You will often end up having to manage and fight with the lawyer as much or more than your ex.

12. Don’t hire a lawyer without an endorsement from someone who’s been in Divorce Club a lot longer than you.

12. Nothing emotional is accomplished or gained in a lawsuit. You will never feel better because you sued someone. You should take care of yourself and if this is necessary to do financially, then it’s necessary. Just know that it is often a second emotionally painful thing to deal with in an ongoing way. And it makes closure take much longer.

13. If you die while you are still married, your ex is your next of kin. At some point you will be motivated to do whatever you have to do to end it.

14. You will want to be divorced more that you ever wanted to be married.

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Oakland and Tech: What and who is a city, or a technology *for* ?

Written in partial reply to a post by my friend Susan Mernit about an experience at a tech event in Oakland. Real estate coasts are pushing tech businesses and workers to Oakland. I already live in Oakland and love it.

There is an incredible opportunity to learn from the rich history and amazing people who have made up Oakland long before recent transplants. Oakland was a Black city. It’s been a pretty lesbian city for a long time. I still have a lot to learn about it and it’s history. It’s a very diverse city.  The tech business in general has some real room to grow around its social environment and vibe. It was a much more nerdy, inclusive happy-go-lucky vibe (unsurprisingly) before it became such a big money driver full of people who aren’t focussed on ideas first and dollars second. It seemed more Woz than Jobs. I think the challenge of tech’s actual business and products and the challenge of Oakland now aren’t that far apart. It’s learning how to humanize and keep people and our needs and selves seen and met. Not re-arranged to meet the needs of algorithms. Because the machines are getting smarter every day. And eventually they will need us less and less if we don’t recall why we built them in the first place.

 

Lisa Brown Part 2, Jewish Genetics & dating: Morning Jew Ep. 52:

Urban Outfitters, Plus size fashion and booties: Morning Jew Ep. 51


 

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Joan Rivers, Jack the Jewish Ripper & Gwyneth Paltrow: Morning Jew Ep.50


We taped this as Joan was dying. Katie makes some deserved criticisms of Joan but I don’t want that to be the entirety of how our show remembers her. I will miss Joan Rivers. She had incredible guts an incredible work ethic and was a true “disruptor” and “innovator.” Meaning she didn’t get help. There was no path she walked down. A ton of people stood in her way. And she did it anyway.
I’m grateful for the opportunities I have that she helped make possible. May your memory be for a blessing Joan.

Ben Stein, Jewish Elvis and Joan Rivers: Morning Jew Ep. 49


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Lady Parts Edition! : Morning Jew Ep.48 Lady


This week Katie sets Heather straight about her eyebrows and we cover other Jewess Beauty Tips, mikvah and though I hate to write the term: JAPs (princesses in the 80s sense).

PEP Progressive Except on Palestine: Morning Jew Ep. 47

On today’s Morning Jew episode, we discuss PEPs, Progressive Except on Palestine, the difference between Israeli and American hawkish zionists, PEJs Progressives Except on Jews, why Holocaust survivors reject Israeli policies while some Jews can’t and look at HOT LIVE Israeli-Jew-on-Israeli-Government-Criticism! Plus, we have an idea for how we can bring peace to the Middle East. You can subscribe to the show here.

Create Outrage. Profit from Same Outrage. Buzzfeed, Media and Creators.

A little ironic that BuzzFeed is making money with a highly shared piece about profitable media company wanting work for free from designers or artists. I’m not linking to it on Buzzfeed but here it is on twitter. It’s designer Dan Cassaro telling Showtime what they can do with their solicitation for free design work for a Vegas Mayweather Fight.

Buzzfeed already is based on sharing lots and lots of stuff it didn’t pay anyone to make (though it pays people to assemble these). See also Meaghan O’Connell’s important recent post on the odds Buzzfeed will eventually be platform of user generated free content (see also Jonah Peretti’s earlier business: The Huffington Post).

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Lesbian Tips for Straight Girls plus Dating Advice w Josh Gondelman: Morning Jew Ep. 46


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This week we break the big news that Katie is single and dating. Heather decides to Yenta-cast and introduces Tips From a Lesbian as her gift. Last Week Tonight’s Josh Gondelman weighs in with some first date advice of his own. Do we get it right? Let us know.

Plus here’s a bonus piece from my vault. Recorded at Jenny Traig’s fabulous Seder, a very Not Safe For Work: How Men and Women Drive Each Other Crazy:



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