Get A Free Life
For release: Immediately
Contacts:
The God Group
Contact: shut your eyes and think real hard
GetaFreeLife.com
888-555-1212
MORE THAN JUST THE BEST THINGS, NOW LIFE IS FREE FOR THE FIRST 6,000,000 TO SIGN UP
Subhead: GetaFreeLife.com to be First-Ever company to Partner with Proctor & Gamble, Mormon and Catholic Churches
(SUNNYVALE, SALT LAKE CITY, THE VATICAN) – – GetaFreeLife.com announced its formation and that it will be the first company in the world provide the previously impossible: a free life.
The first 6,000,000 people between the ages of 18 and 25 to qualify for the GetAFreeLife-branded Visa card, agree to a variety of life-enhancing sponsorships, hold an naturally upbeat and entrepreneurial disposition and find 6 more FreeLifers will receive a rent-free community living in GetaFreeLife duplex apartment near major urban centres around the globe. Members will also get an upfront bonus payment of $66,666 and a job. If FreeforLifersâ„¢ bring in an additional 6 more qualified friends to the GetaFreeLife Community, they will no longer need to work at a job. Therapy costs are not covered by the GetaFreeLife.com membership agreement.
Company founder and Chief Charismatic Leader and webmaster Benito Applethwaite notes: “Other companies are just giving away computers. We’re giving away something much more important to people: a place to live, a job and money.”
The company’s mission is to build the GetAFreeLife community. Members will be able to communicate via chat rooms and message boards, but will also get free tattoos that will identify them to other community members in RealLifeâ„¢. The Proctor and Gamble sponsorship gives each member a duplex stocked with Crisco®, Pampers®, Oil of Olay®, Pringles®, Crest®, Metamucil®,and contractual commitment to the products for life. Other benefits include free clothing form GetAFreeLife sponsors, a bountiful supply of Z brickâ„¢ and Turtle Wax,â„¢and a free lifetime membership of your choice in the Mormon or Catholic Church.
CCL Applethwaite elaborated on the company’s revolutionary business model: “We figure that people are spending their hard earned money on clothing with other peoples brands on it. Every industry motivates salespeople with T-shirts and caps, so why not be paid to wear them?” GetaFreeLife.com also expects large initial revenues from other Internet and high-tech players eager for exposure to the GetaFreeLife community. GimmeAFreeComputer has already an annouced that it will pay GetAFreeLife $90,000,000 to place its machines in the GetaFreeLife communities and GetAFreeLife.com will also receive FreeComputer warrants.
Board Member Richard Devos says: “The difference between the Internet business GetAFreeLife.com and Amway is that they don’t have real products, and they own so much more of the customer. It makes it so much more exciting, and belief so much more important. We look forward to learning much from the evangelism techniques of the high-tech industry.”
Gordon B. Hinkley, President and Prophet of the Mormon Church stated: “We are very excited about our partnership with GetaFreeLife.com. The Mormon Church is committed to Freedom and to Life. We are also very pleased with the incredible savings in membership and soul acquisition costs this partnership promises.”
To this, Pope Paul John the Second added: “Amen.”
CCL Applethwaite: “All we ask is that people make a short sponsorship statement before public interactions and use the FreeLife sponsor products for the rest of their days. It’s really very inobtrusive and not much to ask for when you realize that we’re funding their life! We are confident that we have no conflict with the 13th Amendment, which prohibits slavery and indentured servitude.”
Analysts predict strong competition on the Free Life space, but are bullish on GetaFreeLife.com’s early mover advantantage, growth prospects, actual revenues and mindshare. Future expansion plans include partnerships with major alcohol and tobacco companies, development of GetaFreeRetirement division and, eventually, nationhood.
Members of the GetaFreeLife.com Advisory Board include:
CCL Applethwaite’s Uncle Max; His Holiness John Paul II; Amway founder Richard M. Devos, and Karly Jones, great-grandniece of Jim.
Everyone who submits a demographic profile at the GetaFreeLife.com Web site will receive a free package of KoolAid.
